SACRED SILENCE TRAINING DAY #18

I FOUND MY STONE! I FOUND MY STONE! I FOUND MY STONE! And it was during my day of freakin silence even! Let me explain. For centuries, Camino pilgrims from around the world have brought stones from their place of origin and left them at the foot of a cross in the Province of León.

This symbolizes what the pilgrim wants to leave behind as they get ready for rebirth on the last part of the Camino. Up until this moment, I really wasn’t sure what I was going to bring as a token of what I want to leave behind on this 800KM pilgrimage. Then, all of sudden I found this stone in the corner of the garage that I was cleaning out. Totally random right? Okay, now look at this stone and tell me if you see it.

My battle with The Darkness has certainly not been anywhere near what some of you have had to endure. It feels kind of weeny to even talk about it. So I won’t. Suffice it to say that my Darkness was never been born out of the role of victim, which I believe is the source for many who battle with The Darkness. My favorite question to ask people is, “Who’s hurt you the most?” My answer = “Me.” I’ve been the source of my own Darkness. The problem for me is that The Darkness is – me. Someone else didn’t bring Darkness into my life. I brought Darkness into my life! And these days – it’s winning. (BTW – anyone heard from Charlie Sheen lately?) It’s on top! And it’s been growing for a while. I know this because I can feel The Light being pushed down. I can feel The Darkness seeping into the crack in The Light. Infecting it. (BTW – the stone is NOT painted.)

And here’s the weird thing – I don’t want The Darkness to completely disappear. I actually don’t think that’s possible or realistic. I just want The Light to be on top – suppressing The Darkness – leaking into The Darkness.

The Darkness is part of me. It’s part of my story. I’m at peace with that. (Is it just me or am I starting to sound a lot like Dexter right now?) I just need The Darkness to be ruled by The Light. And I’m exhausted from continuously trying to “manufacture” Light. I know others who think no one can see that their Light is manufactured. I also know others who can’t help but exude such a pure natural Light, that it becomes a source of healing for those around them. (Geez, now I’m channeling Oprah!)

What I want to leave behind on the Camino is my inability to self-forgive and I want to flip my stone! I need to find a way of surrendering to The Light so that I might be a source of healing for others…. (Okay, I need to stop writing this crap at 2:00 in the morning!)

One more thing. For the record, I think people tend to read too much into symbology / numerology / astrology / theology / etc. I tend to lean towards flukeology. But it makes me smile knowing that I’ll be leaving this stone representing my battle with darkness in the province of León. My mom’s name was Leone. (As I’ve mentioned before, she died the same night my son was born when I was 22.) I carry so much remorse for dragging her into my Darkness. I used to hear her crying at night because of the shit I used to put her through. I’m so sorry mom.

“Got to kick at the darkness ‘till it bleeds daylight” – Bruce Cockburn

Spiritual Benefit During My 18th Day Of Silence = 4.8/10

Epilogue:

After eight hours of lugging around concrete and sand in the hot sun, then mowing the lawn, I decided to clean out the garage. There was one last corner that needed to be swept out and I was tempted to just ignore it because the sweat and straining had made my eyes bloodshot and stingy. But when I get going on a job, a neurosis kicks in. “If you’re going to do do something, do do it right!” Two men and one woman in my life painstakingly drilled this neurosis into me. My mom was the hardest working woman I knew. I probably wouldn’t have found my stone had it not been for my mom.